My sexual rule of thumb is that, within my hard limits, I'll try pretty much anything. If it does me no harm and gives another pleasure, why not?
Being watched while I'm getting fucked, while I'm giving head holds no special appeal for me. Watching other people have sex? Not a turn-on. I mean it's interesting the way most things you don't see often are interesting, but it doesn't make me tingly. Often, it's just kind of embarrassing and horrifying (not in the fun ways).
While we're at it, I'm not really a swinger, either. I've come to the conclusion that the sex you have with strangers is, pretty much by definition, really tame. Lately most of what holds my sexual interest is D/s - not a particularly safe thing to explore with absolute strangers and not something that most swingers understand.
So if I am neither a voyeur nor an exhibitionist, nor a swinger either, how is it that I spend so much of my time fucking in front of an audience at swinger parties?
Short answer: I'm fucking a Dom who's an exhibitionist.
Longer answer: I like sex just an awful lot and, well, men tap out faster than I do. If there's a ready supply of replacement partners, that's not a bad thing.
Slightly more subtle answer: there is a great big wide ocean between "want to" and "willing". Exploring the space between those two is the most interesting part of submission for me: being led to new experiences, challenging myself, discovering new pleasures, exploring things I never imagined fully enough to have formed a desire for, And so, I attend swing parties as an act of submission. I fuck who I'm told as an act of submisison, because it pleases Adam to have me do so, because it pleases me to do what I'm told and pleases me to please him.
When I first started playing with Adam, however, this was a submission I could not concede. As I say, I'll try anything that does me no harm if it gives another pleasure, but the potential for harm was just too high in having someone else select my sexual partners, in delegating the responsibility for assessing STD risk. Even someone I trust, even someone with expertise and experience greater than my own. If I make a bad decision and expose myself to disease and harm, I have no one to blame but myself. If someone else makes the wrong decision? Couldn't do it.
When I first found out about PrEP last summer, one of my first thoughts, one of the things that made me happiest was that I finally felt safe submitting to Adam in this way, in letting him choose partners for me. If I wake up each day protected from HIV transmission, then if we never learn the HIV status of a new partner, if new partner lies about his or her HIV status, if a condom slips or breaks, I'm still good.
When I do my talks about PrEP, I don't ever mention D/s. It's shocking enough having a fat old woman standing up in front of an audience saying that I take a prescription drug every day so I can fuck whomever I want. I just don't know how to add that it's also so that I can fuck whomever Adam wants me to, that PrEP has allowed me to explore my submission more fully. That there was a thing Adam had wanted and now I can give it to him. I'm actually getting a little misty right now, writing this, remembering how it felt to have my submission expand before me.
I like the surrounding energy and joy of other people getting tingly, but yeah watching or being watched in and of itself doesn't do much for me.
ReplyDeleteQuestion: a lot of your passion is meshed with submission; do you tend to wonder why, sometimes, or is it self-explanatory to you? I'm a sub too but for me there's a backstory on that -- I'm malebodied and engaging as a sub lets me be done unto, to experience the other person's appetites and tendency to want to play with my responsivenesses, and that's heady and exciting because for malebodied people who are attracted to femalebodied people that's not the mainstream experience; vanilla sex is all constructed around men as appetite, women as sex objects, objects of desire. So I'm curious about you being a sub. You're female, and much of your adventure story is about cutting loose and letting yourself try stuff you felt walled off from trying. That's very affirmative and very geared towards claiming your own erotic energy. So do you ever have an inclination to do unto others for your own pleasure, to control the agenda and make others feel what you want them to feel? Or is that not really where your freedom leads you to wander? I can readily sense that there is power in being desired, that it isn't all passive (cuz yeah I'm a sub myself, I get off on this position). So don't take this as "gee why aren't you dommy and toppy and stuff?" but I'm curious about your own thoughts and cogitations about where being a sub fits in with your sense of your self.