When I first started writing this blog, I promised myself that there would be no blog posts about why I'm NOT writing.
And of course, with that preface, you just have to know that I'm about to break that promise.
I've written before about submission making me a more thoughtful person. What I've been surprised by over and over these past 2 years is how my experiences as a sub prepared me as a caregiver to a sick family member.
Offering to help put shoes on, making sure another was comfortable, fetching drinks and food and TV remotes, chauffeuring (chauffeuseing?) services. All things I've done happily for a Dom.
I never imagined a world in which I would kneel at my brother's feet to put his shoes on him. And that kneeling posture is symbolically overloaded for me now. So doing some of these basic kindnesses felt icky when performed for my brother, but my awareness of a need for service to another really didn't exist before.
Not that I'm unkind or inconsiderate but as I've discussed elsewhere, it just never occurs to me that people might want help they haven't asked for since I pretty much don't want it myself. Until I had this intimate access to serious illness (an intimacy I hope you never have to share), it certainly would not have occurred to me that folks might need help that they don't want or couldn't ask for. We are all only temporarily able-bodied.
Please don't ask about my brother's recovery. He's better but not entirely well and that is likely to be the steady state for the rest of his life. I know folks ask out of kindness but it is exhausting to have to answer that question over and over again, especially since it's unlikely that any changes that would count as news will be happy news.
I left off this blog and most of my own social life when illness took over our family 2 years ago. I've been putting my social life back together this past month or so and am starting to feel like myself again, starting to live a life I recognize as my own again. And the wheels have started spinning again with lots of kinky introspection.
This hasn't been my most elegant post, but since I'm getting my mojo back, I'd like to think that there will be better to follow.
