One of the jokes in my family is that my first complete sentence was "Mommy, I can do it myself." I've always been almost pathologically independent. It's why I live alone. It's why I resent help I didn't seek, why it's so hard for me to ask for help. Why I bristle visibly when faced with unsolicited advice.
Further, as an (even-more-)prickly youth, I even saw unsolicited assistance as a commentary on my competence, as an accusation of weakness. (Yeah, I know it's fucked up - therapy, medication, years of resocialization have largely corrected that particular kind of thin-skinned reaction.) Even so, if someone just swoops in and does a thing for me - still - I'm not always as gracious or grateful as I could be.
Most humans make the mistake of thinking that our experiences and internal monologues are in some way normative. That if we respond to a situation in a certain way (e.g. "why on earth would you think I need help with THAT?"), we think most folks would respond similarly.
So it has always been with me. Because I really don't want your help 97% of the time, because I have often resented it when it was offered, I have made the mistake of assuming that other folks would see unsolicited offers of assistance as being equally intrusive. Like most blind spots, I didn't know I had this one until.....
...until it became my standing assignment to refresh Adam's beverage
...until it became my job to remember the names of people we meet
...until it became my responsibility to make sure the toys are put away at the end of the night (in someone else's home, no less - see if you get asked back to my house if you try to clean up for me)
...until it became my place to help Adam put his shoes and socks on.
In some ways, I'm almost compulsively helpful. Hell, I chose a profession that's all about helping folks get their stuff fixed and get their jobs done. Ask any knitter if I'm not tripping over myself to help the newbies learn new stuff. But until very, very recently, it's been a passive sort of helpfulness. I'm considerate insofar as I don't make more work for people, but until very, very recently, I never thought to look around and pro-actively offer to lighten someone else's load. Considerate, but not thoughtful.
I've noticed this newfound thoughtfulness spilling over to other areas of life. Fetching coats and purses when the submissives had a day at the nail spa. Offering to get drinks for people who aren't Adam. Offering to help the able-bodied carry things.
Who knew that D/s would teach me better manners all around? Help me to be a more thoughtful human?
